Kristin Saatzer

Purposeful Encouragement

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A Christmas Surrender

December 6, 2018 By Kristin Saatzer 2 Comments

bokeh photography of book page near yellow ceramic mug

I sat alone in the Costco Food Court and stuffed down a hot dog with a Diet Coke chaser. As I stared blankly at the abyss of people and  cars, I heard a familiar voice and looked up at my dear friend, her face shadowed with concern. She looked at me as if I sat at a bar with fifteen empty shot glasses in front of me.

You see, this friend found my situation unusual. She knew that I did not eat hot dogs or drink Diet coke, nor did I get out much alone; I usually had my boys in tow.

On this December day, I left my family at home to shop for Christmas groceries. As I drove to Costco, I noticed my shaking hands and I felt a gritty feeling in my gut. Even though I was out alone (a rare treat in those days), instead of peace, I felt consumed by anxiety and depleted; up to my ears in holiday merrymaking and people pleasing.

My sweet friend asked me if I was doing okay. I lied and said I was fine, just taking some time for myself (doesn’t everyone choose the Costco Food Court for “me time”?)

Oh, how I wish I would have opened up to my girlfriend that day. She would have listened to my tale. She would have told me to stop and take time for self-care. She would have hugged me and encouraged me to rest.

My date with a hot dog and Diet Coke was a way to self-sooth and abate stress. I did not see that my choice that day was a red flag revealing how unattuned I was to my mental state. The shaky hands and uneasy stomach were also signs I should have paid attention to.Continue Reading

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Thanks-living

November 20, 2018 By Kristin Saatzer 6 Comments

“The one who offers thanksgiving as His sacrifice glorifies me.”

Psalm 50:23b ESV

 

November has not been kind to California. We lament as stories of suffering and death and horror continue to assault us. Have mercy, Lord. Have mercy!

As we roll into Thanksgiving we see “Give Thanks” signs in stores and homes. We scroll through Facebook and read posts of gratefulness. However, for some, coming up with a blessing is like finding a black cat on a moonless night. Seemingly impossible. Too much pain in the heart to search for good. Where does one begin after losing a child in a shooting or losing a home or an entire town to a fire?

A friend of mine who lost her child, once shared with me that she found it took too much effort in her grief-crippled state to come up with something she could be thankful for. She said it was a sacrifice to try to do so.Continue Reading

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God-wrestlers

September 30, 2018 By Kristin Saatzer 2 Comments

In high school, two of my buddies, Vince and Eric wrestled for our school team. The first time I watched them compete I was grossed out (the lycra, the sweat, the sounds, oh my!) and awed at the same time.

These days, my favorite wrestler is my tough nephew Ryan, he leaves it all on the mat.

This sport oozes strength, courage, and intensity.

Guess what? I wrestle too. Oh, not the team-lycra kind, my matches are spiritual. And you? I bet you are a wrestler too.

The champion God-wrestlers  I know cleave  to a deep, daring faith. These are the ones who have grappled with God after the loss of a child, or who overcame addiction or abuse. They experienced  betrayal, trauma and much more. Some held their fist to God and cursed Him. Others scorned or blamed Him. Yet eventually, they all wrestled, and He blessed them for it.

I shared dinner with one of these champions the other night. We always exit our time together with red eyes and mascara on our cheeks. She and her kids’ story is a made-for-TV-movie kind of saga.  We spoke of going to the mat with God. I said, “The anguish over my boys is where my deepest wrestling happens. Seeing them get their hearts smashed leaves me broken and questioning.” She agreed, she and her children are shattered by their nightmare. We cried in our soup.

There is a strange passage of scripture found in Genesis 32:22-32, where a man named Jacob wrestled with God   (some say an angel of God). You may know the story, even so, I urge you to read it.

Jacob was a cunning and impetuous  dude. His life, a never-ending struggle in one way or another. We find Jacob in a place called Penial, exhausted and at the end of himself, drowning in pain and fear.

This entire section of scripture draws me in.  But it is the last part of verse 29 that grips me.

Continue Reading

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The Opposite of Romans 6:13

September 14, 2018 By Kristin Saatzer 4 Comments

Give yourselves to God…

surrender your whole being to Him to be used for righteous purpose.

Romans 6:13 TEV

The day was toast. I was toast. In an almost vegetative state, lounged across my bed with phone in hand, I scrolled through Instagram. I barely registered my son’s voice as it echoed in my ear. How long had he been sitting there? I sat up as it dawned on me that Micah had walked into my room earlier, and talked to me the entire time.  As if not noticing him wasn’t bad enough, I had actually responded to him as I scrolled (“uh huh”, “really”, “wow”, “that’s funny”). I stopped my multi-tasking and stared at my child.

Now, this boy has an advanced degree in the spoken word, and he’s only 14. Micah thinks verbally and needs to dump about 100,000 words per day. In the summertime, without his classmates around, I am usually the “dumpee” for the much of those words. Just sayin’. Still, pretending to listen and focusing elsewhere is the opposite of the way I want to mother him.

Anyway, as conviction bubbled in me, I apologized to this great kid of mine and he forgave me. Then, without missing a beat, continued his story.

I confess this is not an isolated occurrence, neither are the many “unrighteous” actions or choices I make. That is why the verse above, Romans 6:13, is a surrender scripture I memorized this year, my year of Surrender.

The Lord continues to show me areas where I have not yielded my “whole being to Him“. I want to “be used for righteous purpose“. In whatever big or small ways the Lord may lead.

There are days when my life, my brain, or my actions look the opposite of Romans 6:13: my whole being is sure not surrendered to Him and I ain’t being used for a righteous purpose.

Besides ignoring my kid, lately, I have struggled with anxiety. My mind and stomach bubbling with “what ifs” and “how is this going to work?”. This summer, I exhausted heaps of emotional energy trying to figure out “how it was going to work” with my dad’s health and healthcare needs. I also worried about one of my sons, asking myself “what if?” repeatedly. After I relinquished these heavy loads at God’s feet, I would sneak back in and haul them out again.

My friends, this verse from Romans whispers to my heart. I crave the freedom my Savior gives. I dislike the burden of worry I sometimes carry. So, why do I do the opposite of what I want to do?Continue Reading

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