A few weeks ago, I took part in a life-celebration for a Wonder-Woman mom of 4 and wife named Heather. Cancer took her.
One of my kids is dealing with deep, unfair, and sorrowful situations. My heart breaks for his.
2018 has been heavy for our family in many ways. Sad. Confusing.
2018 also has ushered in rich times with visiting family and friends. A sweet, surprise engagement. Lots of sunshine.
Isn’t that just like life?
Bitter and sweet walking side by side.
My word this year is surrender. However, the surrender walk doesn’t look like I thought it would when I started in January.
Isn’t that just like God?
I surrender each day to God in prayer. I yield my time, money, relationships, health, etc. Yes, a worthwhile pledge (even when I snatch things back). Yet, due to the heaviness of this past month, question marks drift around in my prayer times, right next to the surrenders.
Then, news this week of the school shooting in Florida. The question marks spin as I cry and pray for the families and community.
I chose this verse from Isaiah 55 to write about today because I keep ending up here. On this verse, I repeatedly ruminate. God tells us His thoughts are not our thoughts. And, His ways are not our ways. Ok. Theoretically, I get it. But I don’t want it. I want my ways to become His ways.
If my ways were His ways, then Hunter’s mom would be hugging her son now. And Heather would be making Snicker Pie for her family. And my son wouldn’t have this massive sandbag on his shoulders. And the shooter would have been stopped. Loved. Changed. Seen.
The Message version of Isaiah 55:8 says:
Is this verse telling us that God orchestrated these terrible events and/or is not grieving with the hurting? Not at all. There are hundreds of scriptures which speak of His profound love and comfort.
Yet, I still find Him confusing. I tell Him so. Thus, I find the end of my questions: He is not a God I can put in a box or understand.
In giving over my time, health, and money, etc. each morning, I am making strides towards accepting His thoughts and His ways. Still, surrender is a painful, long process. It is a wrestling. And… I sure am wrestling. The end game for me is that I may give myself completely to the certainty that God is God. God is Holy. God is sovereign. He is infinitely more.
Yes, He is confusing and scary sometimes. So, I cling to this verse and pray for the settling of my mind and the acceptance that I will not understand His ways or thoughts this side of life.
I surrender these tough questions. The heartbreak of life. I yield the idea that your thoughts and ways are not mine. Strengthen me in accepting your sovereignty.
Thank you, God, for your grace and for not smiting me when I question You. Thank you for taking this surrender path in a new and deeper direction than I expected.