Motherhood surpasses anything in my natural gifting, energy level, and temperament. Had you told me in my youth I would be a mom someday, I would have laughed! Had you told me I would birth and raise four boys, I would have passed out or slapped you. It was not part of my plan.
His purposes for me blew up my imaginings and ideas for my life.
After five years of marriage, Dan and I became parents to Samuel. And I was born anew. Changed by love.
After Sammy, came Noah. Baby Noah loved his mommy. Sammy had been an equal opportunity baby. Not Noah. He was all about mom.
For eleven years (and two brothers later), Noah was my biggest fan: wanting to be my partner in games, insisting I cuddle with him every night, daily sharing his heart with me, and doing his school work attached to my side.
As his hormones invaded, things changed for us. My biggest fan grew distant. My silly, joyful-boy grew sad and serious. Because of Noah’s fast-flooding hormones- brooding and resentment took hold. He viewed me as his foe and was no longer my biggest fan.
It crushed me.
By observing friends, talking with my husband, and reading parenting books on boys, I knew this was somewhat normal and I had certainly experienced it with my first son.
However, this time, it grieved me deeply. In my gut, I felt betrayed. Even though my rational self said otherwise.
But pain is a tool for growth, isn’t it? Pain is a tool God uses to strip away our reliance on the love and acceptance of others. Motherhood strips me clean and draws me closer to God like nothing else. Nothing.
Raw experiences in my journey with Noah, disloyalty, and rejection by loved ones led me to the unfailing, unconditional love of God. I needed to understand and believe it, to live in it. So, I filled my heart daily with big doses of God’s word, my healing balm. I meditated on scripture that spoke of God’s unconditional love and acceptance for me. His unfailing love was my comfort as Psalm 119:76 says.
And His unfailing love is my comfort. When feelings of rejection or insecurity sneak in, I return to His word, His truth, my healing balm.
Noah’s high school graduation is only days away. I will be joining other parents watching from the stands dabbing at the waterworks streaming down our cheeks. A mom, grateful and proud as I honor my boy who has accomplished so much after pushing through many bumps (and boulders) along his path. A mom, shaped by pain and loved by an amazing God whose love never quits.
Tonight as I type, I weep. Graduation gratefulness stirring in me as I reflect. Tears of deep, deep thankfulness flow because Noah and I have arrived at a precious place together. Our relationship- one marked by pain, love, and God’s perfect grace.