Eyes of Trust

Mar 25 2024 Eyes of Trust

I think of her every year on Christmas and Easter, sometimes in between. I imagine Mary’s life as seen through her eyes. A young woman chosen by God to birth and mother the Savior. A teen girl visited by an angel. A mother who witnessed her grown-up son horrifically abused and hung on a cross as a criminal.

There are many aspects to her story. We can consider her roles as a mother, wife, and disciple of Christ. But what strikes me most is Mary’s trust in God. When the angel visited this teenage virgin, Mary could have chosen to resist the will of God. Instead, she decided to trust and wade into the unknown.  “I am the Lord’s servant,” Mary answered. “May your word to me be fulfilled.” Then the angel left her. Luke 1:38 NIV

Then, she walked each day with eyes of trust – even as she followed her beloved son and witnessed His harrowing journey to and on the cross (see John 19:25).

Mary’s faith in God resonates deeply with me these days. Not because I trust as she did but because I do not. Often, I do not view my life through trust-filled eyes. I ruminate on the untrustworthiness of those I’ve loved. I take things into my own hands before seeking the Lord. I worry about the future and how long this trying season I am in will last.

These weeks of Lent are especially challenging because I suspect God is leading me to a deeper place of dependence as He continues knocking down my trust borders, leading me to share more details of my wilderness story, which feels scary. Yet here I go.

In the fall of 2020, when the world was shut down, my nervous system decided to shut down, too. I began a terrifying journey of unknowns as I walked through a dark night of the soul. I was overcome with depression and anxiety, unable to sleep or eat much. I had crippling fatigue and spent most days incapacitated, isolating myself in my bedroom on my big blue chair.

After over three years of tweaks in my diet, supplements, medication, and therapy, I improved quite a bit. Yet, the shadows still linger, and the improvements are slow. Depression, anxiety, and fatigue hang out many a day.

Trusting God has not been my strong suit in this dim space because I want brightness. I crave my old, pre-2020 self and don’t understand God’s purpose here. I’ve looked forward to writing about it from the other side: the healed side.

But today, I timidly step into a new territory of breaking down the trust borders by sharing my story with you. I hold my Savior’s hand in frail faith as I pray my words offer a sip of cold water to another suffering soul.

So, as I read the Easter story, I am drawn to this astonishing woman whose life was filled with unknowns, and I focus on Mary’s example. My mind wonders if Mary knew exactly what was to come. Did she fully comprehend it? I don’t think so.

How could anyone?

On that dark Friday, her eyes saw her child hang to death. Did she question God? Maybe. Was she afraid? Probably. But on that blessed Sunday, her faith was rewarded by a fulfilled prophecy. God did what He said He would do: Mary’s child was resurrected, conquering death and fulfilling His purpose (see Isaiah 53, Psalm 22:1-11).

The most glorious day! Ever.

And her trust-filled eyes saw all of it.

My friend, how are you this Holy Week? Are your eyes filled with trust? Is God knocking down your trust borders? Are you afraid?

I am.

But, like Mary on that glorious day, we will see our faith rewarded. Psalm 9:10 ESV says, “And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, O LORD, have not forsaken those who seek you.” God will not forsake us, and we can experience a deeper intimacy with Him that comes from trust-filled lives.

So, in this season of Lent, I am taking steps of faith, like telling this part of my story. As the Savior expands my trust borders, I look to Mary’s example of holding to her God in the scary unknown. I don’t know how my health story ends – If this dark night will ever wholly dissipate – but I have the promises of God to cling to, just as Mary did.

Our challenge is to take small steps and commit ourselves to God as He expands our trust borders. Even with our unknowns and questions, may we live as Mary did with trust-filled eyes turned toward our Lord. May we praise like Mary when she said, “My soul magnifies the Lord, and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior.” (Luke 1 46-47 ESV)

This is the only path in the valley of unknowns.